ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
my being single is dangerous.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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