Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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