The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
