My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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