I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
