you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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