one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
