I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
