how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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