saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
