I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
