My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Just invented taco cereal.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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