I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
