is your mom at the bar?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
