I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
