Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
