I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
