Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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