i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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