I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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