Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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