don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
