Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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