I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
