I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
