somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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