grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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