I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Sext me about skeletons
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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