I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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