I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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