So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
