take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
