i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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