Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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