I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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