I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
