So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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