Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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