You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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