everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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