Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
