The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
