i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
