he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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