It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
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