my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
