Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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