shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
