You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
