he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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