Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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