the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
BRING THE BAGELS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
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