I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
