Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
