woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
whose parrot is this?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
