i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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